To get a better understanding of who I am and what has happen to me in recent years, check out the following dates:

November 15, 2002 - Michelle passes away from an accidental drug overdose.
December, 2003 - Jessica Ipema - age 3 passes away from heart problems as a result of ecoli.
January 22, 2005 - Dad, Ted Baar, passes away from fast moving cancer.
June, July 16, 2007 - Jim Alsum, Mike's brother is diagnosed with brain and liver cancer and passes away 6 weeks later.
December 5, 2007 - Mike falls approximately 30 feet and shatters both legs, breaks 11 ribs, plus a lot more injuries and survives with no spinal cord injuries, major brain injury, or significant internal injuries.
October 2008 - Jeff is in Motorcycle accident and arrives with no pulse, no blood pressure due to torn spleen - survives.
December 2008 - I am admitted to the hospital with pancreatitis due to interactions with "prescribed" medications. Could have dies if I had not gone in when I did. Severe damage to Pancrease.
April 16, 2010 - Brother- in-law Peter Wybenga passes away from a sudden heart attack.

These are life happenings that have affected my life, our lives, our families' lives. They are more than some people experience in their whole lifetime but still far less than what others experience in theirs. Some wonder how I deal with it and keep so positive. One word: GOD! I cannot, nor could not, and would not do it on my own. Yes, I have family support but each handles these events in their own way. We all have God but God made us differently, and we are all at different spiritual maturity levels. I am weak, I cry, I get angry, I am tempted... I am not perfect however, I have God who is my constant, my strength, He feels my tears, He tempers my temperament, He is my guide, He is my everything. He is unchangable, He is ever faithful!

I cannot change anything. I live by my faith, I walk by my faith, I talk my faith. I can do nothing less since God holds me in the palm of His hand. I can face the negative things, the sad things, the bad things because God is in control. It is also important on how I handle the good and wonderful things. I have said it before - I am human, I sin, I am affected by the earthly/worldly things but must run the race for God, striving for His good and to give Him the honor and glory.

I praise and thank God for the "challenges" He has placed in my life. If it weren't for the challenges and changes, I would be stagnant, as good as dead, but God has given me Life and Hope and Joy and Peace and Comfort. Praise be to God!

"just"

Collapsed into bed on Saturday after a very long day. When we arrived back in Denver @ 5pm, Brenda called to confirm we were all going to Casa Bonita for dinner. Jeremy and Darryl had not been there in mega years after they moved to Sarasota as kids. Before they left for home Sunday, the guys wanted to go there to see if it was how they remembered it. 15 of us and we had a good time. It's funny some of the things we do after funerals. Good, too, I guess but odd to some. After Michelle passed away, Mike. Jeff, and I went to Coors brewery. I think Jeff took us there just to get us out of the house after everyone left. After the brewery we drove to Blackhawk to the casinos. We met Becky and Cory there. I felt strange but it was to be a diversion of sorts. the day before after her internment, most of the family went to Senor Rick's for lunch and a FAT TIRE in honor of Michelle. After Jim passed away, the whole family went to the beach for a picnic and swimming. It was a great way to be with family but again strange. I guess it is no different than a wake. Ramblings! Sunday was truly a day of rest.

But before we left for Casa Bonita, I was thinking and what popped into my head was the worf "just". It has so many meanings. The meaning that I was thinking was the one that means 'merely or only" - a very derogatoy use to me. I am just a housewife. I am just an employee. I am just...
Does that connotation show lack of self-esteem, or is it the truth? Why can't we just say: I am a housewife. I am an employee. I am a... If we believe God has put us where we are and if we are living obedient lives and living our lives to His honor and glory, should we not say this with conviction and pride (not the bad pride)? Why do we belittle ourselves and others when we include the adverb "just"? Not only are we to lift each other up, we are to rejoice in who God has made us. We can do things to better ourselves - I believe God puts us in a continous state of metamorphosis as long as we stay in His Word, pray and meditate on Him. He gives us the Holy Spirit to work in us daily. Christ is seated at His right hand to intercede for us. God has given us everything we need if we simply follow Him.

Would we ever say, "I am just a child of God." ? NO! We should be saying, "I AM a child of God!"

Rejoice in the Lord always, and again, I say rejoice.

Another funeral

Errands are run. Car is gassed. Water and snacks are already in the car. I'll be going to bed soon after some straightening up of the house. Up at 5 and we should leave for Las Animas between 6 or 6:30. The weather is not cooperating. Rain and snow until 9 tomorrow morning according to the news. Tomorrow is Peter's funeral.

Too many memories resurface. There were no goodbyes for Michelle or for Peter. Does it matter? Yes! No! Receiving the news was like being sucker punched - didn't see that one coming. It knocks the wind out of the sail. It is interesting how physically drained one becomes for something that is so emotional. Last Saturday was a fog. The rest of the week was normal but still draining. Sunday we visited with Jeannie and the family. It was a long drive but worth it. I get mad when people say "but it is such a long way/drive."

We all agreed that we had the reassurance that Peter was in Heaven, praising and glorifying God. That we can celebrate. But the sudden loss is what is difficult. For Peter's sake I rejoice for him that his death was sudden, quick. I would hate to see him linger for a long time, not that I would want anyone to linger and suffer a long time. Peter was a doer, get it done - yet he meditated on God's Word. To see him linger would hurt more.

Peter was one that affected everyone's life he got involved with. The French have the word "terrois" - for the wine country and how the soil and weather, water or lack of water, and so many other things affects the flavor of the grapes for the wine. The same grapes in one area produce a different wine than those in another area. Peter left his terrois on everyone he met or worked with. Their lives were changed by his affect on them. God put him where He needed him.

It is hard to say goodbye. Why does it hurt so bad when we know what is waiting on the other side of death - eternal life. There is joy now but it is not complete - joy comes in the mourning.

Forgive my ramblings as I work thru my grief. And in all truth, "It Is Well With My Soul!"

To God Be The Glory!

Where is my hope?

Psalm 16 (NIV)

A miktam of David.

1 Keep me safe, O God,
for in you I take refuge.

2 I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing."

3 As for the saints who are in the land,
they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight.

4 The sorrows of those will increase
who run after other gods.
I will not pour out their libations of blood
or take up their names on my lips.

5 LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.

6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.

7 I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.

8 I have set the LORD always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.

9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,

10 because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your Holy One see decay.

11 You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

I cannot change anything in my life. And even though I plan things,I shouldn't be surprised if they fail or don't turn out the way I planned if I didn't include God in my plans ahead of time. I think he evens laughs with us like we did/do when our children first tried/try things on their own for the first time. "I can do it myself!"

Nor would I want to change things: 1. because I would not grow or develope as I have, and 2. things could be worse.

I do take refuge in God. He is my protector every second and in every way. He has given me blessing more than I can count or remember. Without Him, I would have not understood all my blessings.

I have learned and found contentment. I admit, there are time when I WANT more things and I WANT less pain/inconvenience. I am human. But when I look to God, He reminds me of my portion and that he will give me what I need. I am secure in Him. I have found happiness where he has placed me. I may look at others' lives and wish I could be more like them, but then I wouldn't be who God wants me to be. He would have made me like them. I love it when He reminds of who I am, sometimes gently with a smile and sometimes (when I am so into myself) with a not so gentle botz on the butt. He has to get my attention someway!

I learned/accepted contentment when I went on a mission trip to Tijuana in 2007. The gracious hospitality and love of the people we worked with was overwhelming. These locals have very little yet they give everything for the church. They can take an old hand-me-down dingy shirt and mend it, wash and iron it and it looks like new. Mike and I have a small house (1,100 sq. feet) but their homes are smaller and house many more people. I could go on. Once exposed to this, it changed my thinking about WANTS. I have no right to complain about the material stuff.

I have set my eyes on God. When I look to God, no matter what the situation, it is easier to rejoice. As I rest in His Word, meditate, pray, I am able to sing His praise and glorify His name. I am not devoid of emotions or feeling, nor am I closed away to avoid the world. God has placed me where He wants me at the right time and the right place. I find comfort in that. He places people in my life that I need and places me in peoples' lives. I am His servant yet I am His child. I pray I can be obedient to Him.

It was a Wednesday that we came home. Michelle was definitely not herself. As we term it, she was in a drunken stupor. What we managed to get out of her was that she has had a pain injection, they changed her anti-depressant, and put her on a different pain medication. She was disoriented, forgetful, very similar to how someone who has had too much to drink might act. She would lay down, come out and ask questions she had already asked. Thursday was more of the same but in the past, after sleeping, she would snap out of it. But Thursday was the same. When I came home from work, we had the same repetitive conversations. One thing that was so out of character for me was that fact that I came home and started making dinner and also started making a batch of chocolate chip cookies. Thursday? What was I thinking!? Mike and I had church choir at 7:30! Even though dinner was left over turkey and stuffing - COOKIES?

I finished baking a DOUBLE batch before leaving for choir and the dishes were done. After rehearsal, Mike and I were on the way home (less than a mile) and listening to KPOF, a religious station. Stuart Driscoll was preaching on Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. Jesus cried because Lazarus was his friend, he cried because the people would not understand the miracle and the glory he was giving to God, but also, Jesus was taking Lazarus out of Heaven back into a sinful world. This struck me immensely. I had never heard this but I was soon to learn more.

When we arrived home, Michelle was up in her groggy sort of way but proudly stated that "those are the best chocolate chip cookies you ever made Mom!" When asked how many she had, she stated about a dozen. She then went to bed. During the night, Mike and I heard Michelle up several times. She was having a rough time sleeping but was still in that stuper. By morning, she was sound asleep and snoring loudly.

Friday evening was going to busy as we were to have dinner at Becky and Cory's (our youngest daughter and her husband) and we were going to make the dough and filling for Banket - a Dutch Almond Pastry we make for holidays. On Saturday, I would go over there and we would roll out the dough, etc, and bake them. At this time Becky had a 19 month old and a 4 month old - both boys. I came home and let Michelle know I was home, she was still in bed. After calling Becky to find out what ingredients we still needed, I ran to the store (I really drove to the store) to get the few things we needed. When I got home, I called down to Mike to let him know we needed to leave for Becky's. I was boxing up my equipment and quickly poked my head in Michelle's room to see if she was going with us.

As I looked at her, I realized there was something wrong but couldn't put my finger on it. I went into the room and continued calling her name. My heart sank when I realize she was not breathing and as I looked at her, she was very pale, almost ashen, and as I touched her she was ice cold, even under her blankets. I can't remember if I screamed, gasped, but almost immediately Mike was by my side. We were both in instant shock. We grabber her phone and dialed 911. Even though the dispatcher wanted us to start CPR, we knew from her body that she had been gone for sometime. When the firemen/EMTs/Paramedics arrived, it did not take long for them to confirm it. And then wait for the coroner, etc.

Can there be a humorous side to this. Looking back - YES! We called Becky and Cory. Cory took care of calling our Pastors and other family members. Within minutes, yes, minutes, our living room was filling up with family members and pastors. The head police officer asked us to stop calling people and having them come over. We looked at him and simply told him, "we only made 1 call!" Word spread fast and everyone came to support us. I don't think they see that too often. This all started about 5:30 pm. By 11 the coroner had left and the last police officer was gone.

Now I have the most wonderful son-in-law in the world. He is a great guy and when everyone left, he looked at me and asked if I had eaten anything at all. No. I am taking you out right now, you need something. I am diabetic and he knew how important it was.

When we arrived home, I couldn't sleep and I wanted to start getting things ready for the funeral. Now, I will admit I am a TVaholic but that night I only wanted the radio on. As my husband turn on the radio (KPOF - Point of Faith), there was a brief pause and then "It Is Well With My Soul" played as an instrumental. We had already decided this would be part of the funeral service. God is wonderful!

I think we slept maybe 2-3 hours and by 5am Mike and I were sitting in the hot tub - our think tank - just being together, talking, crying... This is November so it is chilly and the sun comes up a little later. Just a the sun was coming up, Mike pointed out a star "The Morning Star" just coming up and we watched for quite a while until the sun was too bright that it faded away. What more did I need to know that God was there with us the whole time. It started with Stuart Driscoll's words, then the song "It Is Well", and then the Morning Star. God is so good.

The viewing was to be 2 hours but it lasted close to 4 hours. We were awestruck by the outpouring of love and the service the next day was almost packed. Again, humor makes an entrance. A friend of ours confessed when she looked at the funeral bulletin and said, "five ministers? How long is this going to be?" Aside from our 2 Pastors, my brother, Mike's brother, and Mike's brother-in-law took part in the service. One did a prayer, one the benediction, one did memories, one read scripture and one did the message. 45 minutes total. Average.

We believe that children should outlive their parents but in some instances this doesn't happen. It is hard to lose a child, there is always that empty spot. The hard part was that Michelle passed away 2 weeks before Thanksgiving, 4 weeks before her 30th Birthday, 6 weeks before Christmas.
But we took each one, one at a time.

Mike and I wonder how non-believers handle grief? Where is their reassurance, their hope?

More to follow>

Hi! This is my first blog. The goal of my blog is to share finding Joy No Matter What. My family has had to deal with a lot of sorrow over the last 7 1/2 years and I have chosen Joy over sorrow. It does not mean that I have not gone through the grieving process, but I have chosen to find the joy in the mourning. I plan on using my life experience along with the scriptures to look at experiencing joy no matter what.

I have been gifted with smiles and a positive attitude, so much so that former co-workers would tell me I was too perky for 6:30 am while they were struggling to wake up with cups of coffee and I just greeted them with a cheerful, "Good Morning." Strangers have approached me and thanked me for my smiles. I am pretty easy going and will usually go with the flow. Don't get me wrong, I don't let people walk all over me.

I started thinking about this subject 7 1/2 years ago when our 29 year old daughter passed away. For about 16 years, she suffered from multiple medical problems after being hit by a car. The damage/injury was simple we thought, but the sprained knee turn out to be a torn ACL and later we discovered her body did not produce enough collagen so she had multiple joint and ligament injuries. Injuries never healed normally. As a result, she developed RSD a chronic pain disorder. After a hit and run car accident in May of 2002, her right shoulder was dislocated in the accident. RSD resettled in her shoulder and she endured severe pain. As a result of some other medical procedures and a change in medications, Michelle overdosed on her pain meds. One does not expect to come home and find their daughter has passed away. Shock, disbelief, denial, and a whole list of emotions took over. A fog covers one during this time. One does things by rote if it is important, and other things fall by the side for a while.

But in all of this, God was there. More on that tomorrow.