It was a Wednesday that we came home. Michelle was definitely not herself. As we term it, she was in a drunken stupor. What we managed to get out of her was that she has had a pain injection, they changed her anti-depressant, and put her on a different pain medication. She was disoriented, forgetful, very similar to how someone who has had too much to drink might act. She would lay down, come out and ask questions she had already asked. Thursday was more of the same but in the past, after sleeping, she would snap out of it. But Thursday was the same. When I came home from work, we had the same repetitive conversations. One thing that was so out of character for me was that fact that I came home and started making dinner and also started making a batch of chocolate chip cookies. Thursday? What was I thinking!? Mike and I had church choir at 7:30! Even though dinner was left over turkey and stuffing - COOKIES?

I finished baking a DOUBLE batch before leaving for choir and the dishes were done. After rehearsal, Mike and I were on the way home (less than a mile) and listening to KPOF, a religious station. Stuart Driscoll was preaching on Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. Jesus cried because Lazarus was his friend, he cried because the people would not understand the miracle and the glory he was giving to God, but also, Jesus was taking Lazarus out of Heaven back into a sinful world. This struck me immensely. I had never heard this but I was soon to learn more.

When we arrived home, Michelle was up in her groggy sort of way but proudly stated that "those are the best chocolate chip cookies you ever made Mom!" When asked how many she had, she stated about a dozen. She then went to bed. During the night, Mike and I heard Michelle up several times. She was having a rough time sleeping but was still in that stuper. By morning, she was sound asleep and snoring loudly.

Friday evening was going to busy as we were to have dinner at Becky and Cory's (our youngest daughter and her husband) and we were going to make the dough and filling for Banket - a Dutch Almond Pastry we make for holidays. On Saturday, I would go over there and we would roll out the dough, etc, and bake them. At this time Becky had a 19 month old and a 4 month old - both boys. I came home and let Michelle know I was home, she was still in bed. After calling Becky to find out what ingredients we still needed, I ran to the store (I really drove to the store) to get the few things we needed. When I got home, I called down to Mike to let him know we needed to leave for Becky's. I was boxing up my equipment and quickly poked my head in Michelle's room to see if she was going with us.

As I looked at her, I realized there was something wrong but couldn't put my finger on it. I went into the room and continued calling her name. My heart sank when I realize she was not breathing and as I looked at her, she was very pale, almost ashen, and as I touched her she was ice cold, even under her blankets. I can't remember if I screamed, gasped, but almost immediately Mike was by my side. We were both in instant shock. We grabber her phone and dialed 911. Even though the dispatcher wanted us to start CPR, we knew from her body that she had been gone for sometime. When the firemen/EMTs/Paramedics arrived, it did not take long for them to confirm it. And then wait for the coroner, etc.

Can there be a humorous side to this. Looking back - YES! We called Becky and Cory. Cory took care of calling our Pastors and other family members. Within minutes, yes, minutes, our living room was filling up with family members and pastors. The head police officer asked us to stop calling people and having them come over. We looked at him and simply told him, "we only made 1 call!" Word spread fast and everyone came to support us. I don't think they see that too often. This all started about 5:30 pm. By 11 the coroner had left and the last police officer was gone.

Now I have the most wonderful son-in-law in the world. He is a great guy and when everyone left, he looked at me and asked if I had eaten anything at all. No. I am taking you out right now, you need something. I am diabetic and he knew how important it was.

When we arrived home, I couldn't sleep and I wanted to start getting things ready for the funeral. Now, I will admit I am a TVaholic but that night I only wanted the radio on. As my husband turn on the radio (KPOF - Point of Faith), there was a brief pause and then "It Is Well With My Soul" played as an instrumental. We had already decided this would be part of the funeral service. God is wonderful!

I think we slept maybe 2-3 hours and by 5am Mike and I were sitting in the hot tub - our think tank - just being together, talking, crying... This is November so it is chilly and the sun comes up a little later. Just a the sun was coming up, Mike pointed out a star "The Morning Star" just coming up and we watched for quite a while until the sun was too bright that it faded away. What more did I need to know that God was there with us the whole time. It started with Stuart Driscoll's words, then the song "It Is Well", and then the Morning Star. God is so good.

The viewing was to be 2 hours but it lasted close to 4 hours. We were awestruck by the outpouring of love and the service the next day was almost packed. Again, humor makes an entrance. A friend of ours confessed when she looked at the funeral bulletin and said, "five ministers? How long is this going to be?" Aside from our 2 Pastors, my brother, Mike's brother, and Mike's brother-in-law took part in the service. One did a prayer, one the benediction, one did memories, one read scripture and one did the message. 45 minutes total. Average.

We believe that children should outlive their parents but in some instances this doesn't happen. It is hard to lose a child, there is always that empty spot. The hard part was that Michelle passed away 2 weeks before Thanksgiving, 4 weeks before her 30th Birthday, 6 weeks before Christmas.
But we took each one, one at a time.

Mike and I wonder how non-believers handle grief? Where is their reassurance, their hope?

More to follow>